I have this tendency to become incredibly interested in something for a relatively short period of time. A few years ago, it was chess. I decided I was going to learn everything I could about the game. I started playing, studying strategies, and developing what I thought was a pretty impressive understanding of how everything worked. I was convinced that, given enough time, I could become really good. And then Henry beat me. Which was a fairly humbling experience.
I’ve done similar things with golf and other interests. I become convinced that if I just invest enough energy, I can completely transform myself in a few months. And sometimes, to a degree, that’s true. But I’ve also discovered that meaningful change usually requires something more than enthusiasm. It requires consistency, honesty, and a willingness to take responsibility for the things we can actually control. And I think that’s especially important when it comes to our spiritual lives. Because you cannot change what you continually refuse to take responsibility for.
The Temptation to Explain Everything Away
Most of us have become pretty good at explaining why we are the way we are. We know why we’re impatient. We’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and carrying too many responsibilities. We know why we struggle in relationships. We’ve been hurt before, and people have repeatedly disappointed us. We know why we haven’t made progress in certain areas. Our circumstances haven’t been ideal, and there are things outside our control that make growth difficult. And here’s what’s important. Sometimes those explanations are completely legitimate.
Our experiences shape us. Our upbringing matters. Trauma matters. The decisions other people make can have an enormous impact on our lives. But there’s a difference between understanding why something happened and assuming we’re powerless to do anything about what happens next.
I think one of the most difficult parts of maturity is learning to acknowledge the things that have shaped us without allowing those things to determine every future decision. And that brings us to one of the earliest stories in Scripture.
Responsibility Was Part of the Original Design
In Genesis 1, God creates humanity and gives human beings responsibility. Before sin enters the story, before relationships become complicated, and before the brokenness we experience today, God entrusts people with the work of caring for and cultivating creation. I think that’s fascinating. Responsibility isn’t introduced as a punishment. It’s part of what it means to be human.
We’re created with the capacity to make decisions, cultivate what’s been entrusted to us, and participate meaningfully in the world God has made. But then something happens. In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve disobey God. And when God confronts them, they begin shifting responsibility. Adam points toward Eve. Eve points toward the serpent. And suddenly, instead of simply acknowledging what they’ve done, they’re explaining why someone else was responsible. It’s an ancient story. But it’s also remarkably familiar. Because I think we do versions of the same thing all the time.
We blame our circumstances, our upbringing, our personalities, or the people around us for the decisions we’re making today. And while those factors may help explain our struggles, they don’t always eliminate our responsibility for how we respond. Your Past Matters, but It Doesn’t Have to Own Your Future I want to be careful here because I don’t think we should minimize the pain people have experienced. Some people have lived through incredibly difficult circumstances. They’ve experienced abuse, abandonment, betrayal, or loss. They’ve been hurt by people who should have protected them. And those experiences can shape the way someone approaches relationships, trust, conflict, and even their understanding of God.
Acknowledging that isn’t making excuses. It’s being honest. But I think there’s another truth we need to hold alongside it. Your past can help explain who you’ve become without having the final word over who you’re becoming. That’s one of the beautiful things about the gospel. Jesus doesn’t invite us to pretend our stories never happened. He invites us into a new way of living. And sometimes that process involves getting help.
It might mean working with a counselor to understand patterns you’ve carried for years. It might mean acknowledging unhealthy coping mechanisms, learning how to establish boundaries, or confronting things you’ve avoided. But whatever that looks like, meaningful transformation requires us to stop waiting for everyone else to change before we take responsibility for our own growth.
The Difference Between Blame and Ownership
Here’s a question I think can change the way we approach almost any difficult situation. What part of this actually belongs to me? Not what part belongs to everyone else. Not what would have happened if somebody had treated me differently. What part belongs to me? Maybe you didn’t create the conflict, but you can take responsibility for the way you’re responding. Maybe you didn’t choose the circumstances, but you can decide whether you’ll pursue help.
Maybe someone genuinely hurt you, but you can begin examining the ways that hurt is shaping your present relationships. And maybe you’ve spent years feeling stuck because you’ve been waiting for something outside your control to change. I think there’s enormous freedom in recognizing that we don’t have to control everything in order to take responsibility for something.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean everything is your fault. It means refusing to surrender the influence you still have over your life. And I think that’s a significant part of becoming spiritually mature.
Putting This Into Practice
If there’s an area of your life where you’ve felt stuck, I want to encourage you to approach it with both compassion and honesty.
1Identify where you’ve been assigning blame.
Think about one area of your life where you want to experience growth. Write down the reasons you’ve struggled to make progress. Then separate those reasons into two categories: things outside your control and things within your influence. Be honest about both.
2Take ownership of one specific action.
Choose one thing you can do this week that moves you toward greater health. Maybe it’s apologizing for something you’ve done, scheduling an appointment with a counselor, changing a habit, or initiating a difficult conversation. Make the action small enough that you can actually follow through.
3Invite God into the deeper work.
Spend time praying about the patterns you’ve carried. Ask God to reveal where you’ve been avoiding responsibility and where you’ve been carrying blame that doesn’t belong to you. If you need support, identify someone trustworthy who can help you process those things honestly.
I think one of the greatest opportunities we have is to recognize that our stories are still being written. You may not be responsible for everything that’s happened to you. But you can begin taking responsibility for the person you’re becoming. And through the grace of Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit, meaningful change really is possible.
