I love baseball. And one of the things I love about sports is how clearly everything is defined. You play the game. You keep score. And at the end, somebody wins. It’s pretty straightforward. Now, if you’ve ever spent time watching youth baseball, you know the parents can sometimes become significantly more invested in winning than the kids.
I remember watching a parent move from one end of the bleachers toward the field because he was upset with an umpire. And here’s what made it even better. The umpire was a middle schooler. Which is always a great look for a grown adult. But I understand the desire to win. We all want to win at something.
We want our teams to win. We want to succeed at work. We want to accomplish our goals and experience progress. And in many areas of life, that’s a good thing. But here’s where things become complicated. The same desire that motivates us toward success can become incredibly destructive when we bring it into our relationships. Because you can win an argument and still lose something far more important.
When the Conversation Changes
Think about the last time you got into a disagreement with someone you care about. Maybe it started with something relatively insignificant. A decision about the schedule. A misunderstanding about money. A comment someone made. Something that needed to be addressed. And initially, you were simply trying to resolve the issue. But somewhere along the way, something changed. You stopped trying to understand the other person and started trying to prove your point. You began collecting evidence, remembering previous disagreements, and identifying every inconsistency in their argument. And suddenly, the person sitting across from you wasn’t someone you were trying to work with.
They had become someone you were trying to defeat. I think that’s one of the most dangerous shifts that can happen in a relationship. Because when winning becomes the goal, we begin treating the other person as the obstacle. And once that happens, even a relatively small disagreement can become something much more destructive. Who Is the Real Enemy? There’s a passage in Ephesians 6 that I think provides an incredibly important perspective. Paul is writing to Christians about what it means to stand firm in their faith. And in Ephesians 6:12, he reminds them that their struggle isn’t ultimately against flesh and blood.
Now, Paul is describing spiritual opposition, and we need to understand the passage in that context. But I think there’s an important implication for the way we approach conflict. The person sitting across from you isn’t automatically your enemy simply because you disagree. Your spouse isn’t the enemy because they see something differently. Your friend isn’t the enemy because they’ve disappointed you. Your coworker isn’t the enemy because they’ve challenged your decision. And yet, when conflict escalates, we often begin treating people exactly that way. We become defensive. We criticize their character. We assume their motives are terrible.
And eventually, we stop seeing the person we care about and start seeing an opponent. I think Paul is inviting us to recognize that there’s often something deeper happening beneath the conflict itself. Pride. Fear. Insecurity. Resentment. The need to control. The desire to be proven right. And those things can do enormous damage when we allow them to determine how we respond to people.
The Patterns That Destroy Connection
Relationship researchers have identified several patterns that are especially destructive in marriages. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. And I think what’s fascinating is how easily these patterns appear when we’re focused on winning. Criticism attacks the other person’s character rather than addressing a specific issue. Defensiveness refuses to acknowledge any responsibility. Contempt communicates that the other person is beneath us, often through sarcasm, mockery, or dismissive behavior. And stonewalling withdraws from the conversation entirely. None of those responses helps build a healthier relationship. But all of them can feel strangely satisfying when we’re convinced we’re right.
We get the final word. We make our point. We protect ourselves from admitting fault. And yet the relationship becomes a little more damaged. I think we need to recognize that relational health requires a different approach. Instead of criticism, we need curiosity. Instead of defensiveness, we need humility. Instead of contempt, we need honor.
And instead of withdrawing to punish someone, we need to learn how to remain appropriately engaged, even when conversations are difficult. That doesn’t mean every conflict should continue indefinitely. Sometimes people need a break, and sometimes boundaries are necessary. But our goal should be to move toward understanding and health rather than simply defeating the other person.
Honor Changes the Goal
One of the things I love about the teachings of Jesus is how consistently He challenges our instinct to place ourselves above other people. He calls His followers to humility, service, and love. And I think those principles become especially important when we disagree. Because honoring someone doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they say. It doesn’t mean pretending their decisions are always wise or allowing harmful behavior to continue.
It means recognizing that the person in front of you has dignity and value regardless of whether you agree. And that changes the way we approach the conversation. Instead of asking, How do I make sure I win? we begin asking, How do I love this person well while addressing what’s happening?
Instead of trying to prove that we’re right about everything, we become willing to acknowledge where we may be wrong. And instead of measuring success by whether the other person finally agrees with us, we begin measuring it by whether we’re moving toward greater truth, understanding, and relational health. I think that’s a much better definition of winning. Because in relationships, there is no real win when our goal is simply to win.
Putting This Into Practice
If you want to build healthier relationships, I think one of the most important things you can do is change the way you approach disagreement.
1Identify your conflict pattern.
Think about your last significant disagreement. Did you become critical, defensive, dismissive, or withdrawn? What were you trying to accomplish in that moment? Be honest about whether your goal was understanding or winning. Identify one response you want to change the next time conflict arises.
2Practice curiosity before making your case.
During your next disagreement, ask at least two sincere questions before explaining your own perspective. Try asking, “Can you help me understand why this matters to you?” or “What am I missing about how you’re experiencing this?” Listen without preparing your response while the other person is talking.
3Choose honor over the final word.
Look for one opportunity this week to prioritize the health of a relationship over proving yourself right. That might mean acknowledging a valid point, apologizing for your tone, or choosing not to make a sarcastic comment. The goal isn’t to avoid necessary truth. It’s to communicate truth in a way that preserves dignity and builds trust. I think most of us genuinely want healthier relationships. We want strong marriages, meaningful friendships, and families where people feel loved and understood. But those things don’t happen simply because we want them.
They require us to become the kind of people who know how to handle disagreement without turning every conflict into a competition. And I think that begins when we stop asking how to win against the person in front of us and start asking how we can move forward together.
