I’ve always thought I would be a pretty calm person when it comes to watching my kids play sports. I’m generally laid back, and I don’t want to be the parent who’s losing his mind from the sidelines. And then someone says something about my kid. Suddenly, I’m a considerably less calm version of myself.
I think most of us have moments like that. We have a picture of the kind of person we are, and then something happens that reveals we might not be quite as consistent as we imagined. We see another parent handle something poorly and think, I would never do that. We watch someone make a decision we disagree with and wonder what they were thinking. We see somebody driving through a roundabout in a ridiculous way, only to catch ourselves doing practically the same thing a few days later. We make these little judgments constantly.
And if we’re followers of Jesus, there’s a good chance we’ve heard someone respond to that tendency with two words: Judge not. But is that actually what Jesus meant? Are Christians supposed to avoid making judgments about other people’s choices altogether? I think the answer is more challenging than we sometimes realize.
Everybody Has a Scorecard
Whether we acknowledge it or not, we all have a framework for determining what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s wise, and what’s foolish. Some of that comes from our upbringing. Some comes from our faith, our experiences, the people we respect, or the things we read and watch. And we naturally evaluate the world through that framework. The difficulty comes when our scorecard becomes the way we measure our worth against other people.
We notice somebody falling short of our expectations, and suddenly we feel a little better about ourselves. We compare their mistakes with our successes and begin believing we’re doing pretty well. Of course, the opposite happens when we encounter somebody who seems to be doing better than we are. Then comparison can turn into insecurity, jealousy, or resentment. It’s an exhausting way to live. And I think it’s exactly the kind of attitude Jesus was confronting when He taught about judgment.
What Jesus Actually Said
In Matthew 7, Jesus begins by warning His listeners against judging others. He tells them that the standard they use to judge people will also be applied to them. Then He gives an illustration that’s both ridiculous and brilliant.
He describes someone noticing a tiny speck of sawdust in another person’s eye while completely ignoring a massive plank sticking out of their own. Picture that for a moment. Someone is walking around with an enormous piece of wood protruding from their face, offering to help another person remove a tiny particle of dust. It’s absurd. And that’s the point.
Jesus is exposing the hypocrisy of people who become experts at identifying everybody else’s problems while refusing to acknowledge their own. But here’s something we often miss about this passage. Jesus doesn’t end by telling the person to leave the speck alone.
He tells them to remove the plank from their own eye first, so they can see clearly enough to help the other person. That’s an important distinction. Jesus isn’t teaching that loving people means ignoring everything destructive in their lives. He’s teaching us to approach those situations with humility, honesty, and a willingness to confront our own shortcomings first.
Three Ways We Get This Wrong
I think there are a few ways we tend to mishandle this. Some of us become performers. We work hard to appear as though we have everything together. We know the right things to say, the right way to act, and the standards we’re supposed to uphold. But underneath the appearance, there are struggles we refuse to acknowledge.
Others become avoiders. We convince ourselves that loving people means never confronting anything. As long as somebody’s decisions don’t directly affect us, we simply stay out of it. And then there are those of us who carry a shield.
We become very comfortable identifying what’s wrong with other people while remaining incredibly guarded about our own lives. We may even be right about the things we’re confronting, but we’re unwilling to become vulnerable enough to let anyone challenge us. I think most of us have experienced all three approaches at different points. But none of them reflects what Jesus is inviting us into. Because love doesn’t write people off, and love doesn’t leave people stuck.
If we genuinely love someone, we shouldn’t be looking for opportunities to condemn them. But we also shouldn’t become so afraid of uncomfortable conversations that we’re unwilling to help them. The key is learning to approach those conversations as people who recognize how much grace we need ourselves.
Facing Yourself Changes What You Can See
One of the things I love about Jesus’ illustration is that it connects self-awareness with our ability to help other people. When we’re unwilling to confront our own struggles, those struggles begin shaping the way we interpret everybody else’s.
Our insecurity makes us suspicious. Our pride makes us defensive. Our unresolved hurt causes us to assume the worst. But when we begin honestly confronting those things, we become capable of seeing people more clearly. We can recognize that someone made a poor decision without reducing their entire identity to that mistake. We can disagree without becoming cruel. We can challenge someone because we care about their growth rather than because we need to prove we’re right. And I think that’s the kind of maturity Jesus wants to develop in us.
Putting This Into Practice
If you want to become someone who loves people well, I think a good place to begin is by examining how you respond when other people fall short.
1Identify your personal scorecard.
Think about the kinds of decisions or behaviors that immediately frustrate you. What makes you think, I would never do that? Write down two or three examples. Then ask yourself whether you’ve ever struggled with something similar or whether you’re using those standards to feel superior to someone else.
2Ask God to reveal your own plank.
Read Matthew 7:1–5 this week. As you do, resist the temptation to think about someone who needs to hear it. Instead, ask God to show you an area where you’ve been defensive, hypocritical, or unwilling to grow. Choose one specific action you can take to begin addressing it.
3Approach one relationship with greater humility.
Think about someone whose choices have frustrated or concerned you. Before deciding whether a conversation is necessary, pray for them and consider what you may not understand about their circumstances. If you do need to address something, approach the conversation with the goal of helping rather than winning. Jesus never called us to become people who simply ignore what’s wrong.
He called us to become people who are honest enough about our own lives that we can actually help others. And I think that changes everything about the way we approach judgment.
