Have you ever received a text message and immediately decided the person who sent it was upset with you? Maybe you asked someone a question, and their response was simply, “Okay.” That’s it. Four letters, a period, and suddenly you’re trying to figure out what you did wrong. You start replaying your last conversation. You wonder whether they’re frustrated, disappointed, or being intentionally dismissive. And before long, you’ve developed an entire explanation for what they’re thinking. Except there’s one small problem. You have absolutely no idea whether any of it is true. I think we do this constantly.
We see someone behave a certain way, hear a comment, or experience something uncomfortable, and our minds immediately begin filling in the missing information. And here’s what’s fascinating. We often respond less to what actually happened and more to the story we’ve created about what it meant. That can become incredibly destructive in our relationships.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Think about the last time someone disappointed you. Maybe your spouse forgot something important. Maybe a friend didn’t invite you to something. Maybe your boss gave you feedback that felt unnecessarily critical. There’s the event itself. And then there’s the meaning you assign to it. Your spouse forgot something, so you assume they don’t care about what matters to you. Your friend didn’t invite you, so you assume they don’t value your friendship. Your boss offered criticism, so you conclude they don’t respect your abilities. Now, any of those interpretations could be accurate. But they could also be completely wrong.
And that’s the challenge. We don’t always have enough information to know someone’s motives, but we tend to behave as though our assumptions are established facts. Over time, those assumptions begin shaping our emotions, our conversations, and the way we treat people. We become frustrated with someone who doesn’t even realize there’s a problem. We withdraw from relationships because of conclusions we’ve never bothered to verify. And sometimes we create the very tension we were afraid existed in the first place.
Martha’s Assumptions
There’s a fascinating moment in Luke 10 involving two sisters named Mary and Martha. Jesus comes to their home, and Martha begins preparing everything needed to welcome Him and His disciples. And I think we should give Martha some credit.
She’s trying to be hospitable. She’s taking responsibility for the practical details. She’s working to make sure everyone is cared for. Meanwhile, Mary is sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to Him teach. And eventually, Martha becomes frustrated. In Luke 10:40, she approaches Jesus and essentially asks whether He cares that her sister has left her to do all the work. Then she tells Jesus to instruct Mary to help her. Now, think about what’s happening. Martha has moved beyond describing the situation. She’s assigning motives.
She assumes Mary has neglected her responsibilities. She assumes Jesus isn’t concerned about the unfairness. And she’s developed a conclusion about what everyone else should be doing. But Jesus responds differently than she expects. He acknowledges that she’s worried and distracted by many things, then points her toward what matters most in that moment.
I love this interaction because it reveals how easily our interpretation of a situation can become disconnected from what’s actually happening. Martha was doing something good. But her assumptions about everyone else were shaping her experience of the entire moment. And I think we do the same thing.
Your Past Can Shape Your Assumptions
One of the difficult things about assumptions is that they rarely develop in isolation. We bring our history into our relationships. If you’ve experienced rejection, you may become especially sensitive to situations that feel like someone is excluding you.
If you’ve worked for a controlling boss, you may interpret ordinary feedback from your next supervisor as an attempt to control you. If you’ve experienced betrayal, you may become suspicious of people who haven’t done anything to deserve your distrust. And sometimes we don’t even recognize that it’s happening. We’re responding to something in the present through the lens of something that happened in the past. That’s why I think we have to become more intentional about examining our assumptions. Not because every assumption is wrong. Some are accurate. Sometimes people really are being dishonest, dismissive, or unkind.
But we need to learn the difference between something we know and something we’ve simply concluded. Otherwise, our imaginations can begin determining the quality of our relationships.
Replace Accusation With Curiosity
One of the most practical things I’ve learned is to approach situations with curiosity before jumping to accusation. When someone does something frustrating, instead of immediately deciding why they did it, I can ask a question. “Can you help me understand what happened?” “When you said that, what did you mean?” “Is there something going on that I’m missing?” Those questions create space for information we don’t currently have. And sometimes what we discover changes everything.
Maybe the person wasn’t upset with us. Maybe they were distracted, overwhelmed, or dealing with something we knew nothing about. Or maybe our concern was accurate, and the conversation gives us an opportunity to address something that genuinely needs attention. Either way, curiosity helps us approach the situation with greater clarity. I think that’s a better way to love people. Because when we begin assuming the worst about others, we gradually lose the ability to see them clearly. And Jesus calls us toward something better.
Putting This Into Practice
If you’ve been carrying frustration, suspicion, or resentment in a relationship, I want to encourage you to examine the story you’ve been telling yourself.
1Separate facts from assumptions.
Think about a recent interaction that frustrated you. Write down what actually happened, using only information you know to be true. Then write down what you assumed it meant. Notice the difference between those two categories. Ask yourself whether you’ve been responding to facts or to your interpretation of them.
2Ask one curious question.
Choose a relationship where you may have jumped to a conclusion. If appropriate, initiate a conversation with the goal of understanding rather than accusing. Ask a question that gives the other person an opportunity to explain their perspective. Listen carefully before deciding what you think.
3Pray for clearer vision.
Think about a person or situation you’ve developed a negative narrative around. Spend time praying this simple prayer: Jesus, help me see this person the way You do. Ask God to reveal any assumptions, fears, or past experiences that may be distorting your perspective.
I think some of the most unnecessary pain we experience in relationships comes from stories we created without ever discovering whether they were true. And I wonder how much healthier our relationships could become if we simply learned to pause, become curious, and seek understanding before deciding what someone else meant. Because sometimes the thing we need most isn’t another explanation for why someone hurt us. It’s the willingness to discover whether our explanation was accurate in the first place.
